Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.