FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on