“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Baller is short for ballerina
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
found this cool rock hiking today
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?