Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.