[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.