If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.