McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues