What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Just ordered me some pizza!
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.