Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.