What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
You Might Also Like
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
These are my roll models.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…