*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*