Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
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If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Fries, not lies.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird