ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My teenage children choosing violence
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!