on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
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Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.