THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
You Might Also Like
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was