My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
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People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught