Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.