Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
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don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.