I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
oh u like geography? name every lake
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Yup
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING