spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
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*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.