[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
You Might Also Like
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems