I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
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The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??