My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
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i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.