If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me trying to look natural in photos
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.