Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don鈥檛 you.
Me: Silently? No.
When asked what deceased historical figure I鈥檇 like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it鈥檚 an uninspired, clich茅d choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[before nap]
I鈥檒l be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it鈥檚 way too late to do anything
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn鈥檛. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Best goalkeeper.. 馃槄
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i鈥檓 like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they鈥檇 be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they鈥檒l probably go bad.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I like to people-watch, but I鈥檓 an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.