Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool