5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
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My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.