it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
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‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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