“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
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this is me
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.