All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
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Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me sliding into hell like
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.