My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?