I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
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[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water