My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
You Might Also Like
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
So creative 😂
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now