Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
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The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
She puts the hot in psychotic
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2