[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
tourist season
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*