My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
what the
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
We decided to have money instead of children.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
(Musicians.)