Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
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I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.