Get in, there’s no time to explain.
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
shut up and take my money
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!