Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I did not eat the cake…
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much