Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Blew out my flip flop…