DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.