ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.