Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
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Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”