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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Tell the colonel to bring it
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’