When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Hello Twits.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol