*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”