Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.