I gave up going to work for lent.
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wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
So true for me
secret recipe
Me :
All Day At Night
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m putting together a team
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?