Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail