A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
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(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.